Thursday, December 24, 2009
this old house
I had a dream last night, I was at this old house built in colonial style. It was sort of like a winchester house, with lots of staircases and levels and hallways, and it was like a huge maze. everything was painted white and covered with dust and cobwebs. I was supposed to be going through the house like an obstacle course in competition with this other guy, and the goal was to get to the top of the house. He went first, but for some reason, I followed him, and our audience followed behind me, so it was more like him being our tour guide and everyone followed and poked around as we went along. We would go up stairs and have to turn back down because they didn't go anywhere, or staircases would move or be traps. And as we progressed, level by level, we started to hear this voice. Someone whispered that the house was haunted, and it was the voice of the ghost of the man who built the house. I could picture his face, although I didn't actually see him, and his voice was deep, booming, and threatening. It seemed like only I and the other guy could hear him, and we were both terrified. The voice was warning us about reaching the top level- that we shouldn't venture up there, that we had gone too far already. We were on the second to the last level, and there was a bed there, an old wooden bed. And I felt his presence so strongly around the bed, and the voice telling us that we were standing in the room where he died, and not to go up, DO NOT GO UP. I was so petrified of what we would find upstairs - I imagined something akin to the attic in ju-on/the grudge! I was completely frozen until the guy looked me straight in the eye, absolutely blanched of color from his face, and both of us turned around and worked our way downstairs, the crowd following us curiously. We convened on the bottom level and I remember liz and aimi poking around in this old desk that was down there. They found a bible that people had sort of turned into a guestbook, signing their names and little messages in its pages. And then I woke up.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
it's only been a couple days...
but so much has happened, so i'm back. :3
sea wolf
so i never actually got around to decorating, we just cleaned the house and then anna invited me out for a concert at the roxy, so i went, and it was ridiculously great. the opening band was called chasing kings, and they were fantastic! the second band was a little forgettable, but headlining was an LA based band called sea wolf, and they were just....mesmerizing live. surprise surprise, they have a song on the new moon soundtrack...but this fact should be largely disregarded. haha! well...all you need to know, is that the soundtrack is far better than the movie, and that the subsequent publicity for the band is probably very positive. they were a little arcade fire, a little moody and a little folksy, but they won me over pretty quickly... nothing like comfortable, idyllic melancholy when you're feeling a bit lost and despondent.
jazzzzzz
today, i put up the tree, and nothing else. and then went to brave the crowds at the mall. i got a little xmas shopping done, but there's just a week left and i still need to get a lot of presents. :( i dunno what it is, but this year...i'm pretty uninspired. and then...anna and i went to her friend alexis' jazz show at this little coffee shop in old town monrovia...and music brought me solace once again. for anyone a little sick of christmas music, or anything they've been listening to a bit too regularly, try some jazz. it's just so alive, a pattern arriving then playfully slipping away, only to come back again and again, each time different than the last. he sang sabor a mi at the very end, a song in spanish that was all velvet and so lush... i blushed terribly at the first verse. i am still so blown away by his talent and his passion for jazz...gah.
hokay...i'll stop pretending i know how to talk about music now. >__< just wanted to share!
sea wolf
so i never actually got around to decorating, we just cleaned the house and then anna invited me out for a concert at the roxy, so i went, and it was ridiculously great. the opening band was called chasing kings, and they were fantastic! the second band was a little forgettable, but headlining was an LA based band called sea wolf, and they were just....mesmerizing live. surprise surprise, they have a song on the new moon soundtrack...but this fact should be largely disregarded. haha! well...all you need to know, is that the soundtrack is far better than the movie, and that the subsequent publicity for the band is probably very positive. they were a little arcade fire, a little moody and a little folksy, but they won me over pretty quickly... nothing like comfortable, idyllic melancholy when you're feeling a bit lost and despondent.
jazzzzzz
today, i put up the tree, and nothing else. and then went to brave the crowds at the mall. i got a little xmas shopping done, but there's just a week left and i still need to get a lot of presents. :( i dunno what it is, but this year...i'm pretty uninspired. and then...anna and i went to her friend alexis' jazz show at this little coffee shop in old town monrovia...and music brought me solace once again. for anyone a little sick of christmas music, or anything they've been listening to a bit too regularly, try some jazz. it's just so alive, a pattern arriving then playfully slipping away, only to come back again and again, each time different than the last. he sang sabor a mi at the very end, a song in spanish that was all velvet and so lush... i blushed terribly at the first verse. i am still so blown away by his talent and his passion for jazz...gah.
hokay...i'll stop pretending i know how to talk about music now. >__< just wanted to share!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
winter breakkk
hope everyone is having a good break so far...hope it gets better for those who aren't (feel better emie and aimi!!)
quick update:
12th = left seattle, had the most turbulent flight of my life, but got home safe and sound. went to bed at 8 pm!
13th = got up at 10 am, went to mass, lazed around the house, then hung out with anna, made a list of people for xmas gifts, and went for pool and beer at barney's.
14th = got a feeble start to xmas shopping with k-squared (the couple i hate to hate!) anddd... had dinner with them. was very excited when i went home, to say the least. :P
15th = did mostly nothing. yay! umm...painted my nails and organized my music. oh, and we're apparently switching to t-mobile as of january 4th...?
16th = went to sea world with my parents and my aunt. haha. i now have an annual pass to sea world, as it was the same price as a day pass.
17th = today, we're decorating the house, finally! maybe it'll start to feel like christmas around here.
otherwise, home is nice, but i miss everyone already. haha. that's it for now! tell me how you guys are doing... :)
quick update:
12th = left seattle, had the most turbulent flight of my life, but got home safe and sound. went to bed at 8 pm!
13th = got up at 10 am, went to mass, lazed around the house, then hung out with anna, made a list of people for xmas gifts, and went for pool and beer at barney's.
14th = got a feeble start to xmas shopping with k-squared (the couple i hate to hate!) anddd... had dinner with them. was very excited when i went home, to say the least. :P
15th = did mostly nothing. yay! umm...painted my nails and organized my music. oh, and we're apparently switching to t-mobile as of january 4th...?
16th = went to sea world with my parents and my aunt. haha. i now have an annual pass to sea world, as it was the same price as a day pass.
17th = today, we're decorating the house, finally! maybe it'll start to feel like christmas around here.
otherwise, home is nice, but i miss everyone already. haha. that's it for now! tell me how you guys are doing... :)
Sunday, November 22, 2009
for the difference we make
whoa. so...here's my film debut. as a healer. HAHA!
the weird part is...i'm a bigger star than jesse david. :O
the weird part is...i'm a bigger star than jesse david. :O
Sunday, November 1, 2009
i should tell you i'm disaster
hey. happy first of november/all saints day/dia de los muertos!
this is kind of a test post...it seems like blogger hasn't been showing that i'm posting? well...i'm still here, haha.
last weekend, i went to a support group for my addiction studies class (this quarter i'm taking intro to drug and alcohol addiction - it's kind of fun to walk into class and start talking about heroin and crack).
i walked up madison to an open, gay narcotics anonymous meeting and i wasn't expecting much. i was listening to rent, mentally singing along to "i should tell you". i followed a man through the door, mentally singing along: “i should tell you i'm disaster”. we walked up the stairs to the third floor, and into a meeting of nothing I expected. there were a handful of men chatting, milling around, grabbing coffee, some sitting and lost in their thoughts. i meekly approached a man sitting behind a table, verified that the meeting was open, and that i was in the right place. i was fleetingly relieved of my anxiety, as i had tried another meeting earlier in the week to no success. that is, until my dreaded inevitable awkwardness that i was actually now in a room full of strangers that i knew to be addicts reared its ugly head. i shook it off nonetheless – these men kindly acknowledged me, but did not ask anything of me or why i was there. i felt neither accepted nor rejected, so i settled in and prepared to be the silent observer, a sort of elephant in the room.
the topic of the NA meeting was "principles before personalities". in NA there are 12 steps just like in AA, and there are also 12 traditions. the twelfth tradition states that "anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities". the meeting focused on judgment of other people, how universal it is, and yet, how it causes damage to both ourselves and to others. the things that were said there in that room were supposed to help people in their personal recoveries. but the things that were said there just struck me and left me with a lot to think about.
i judge people all the time. it's a reflex...when caught in unfamiliar territory, or even all too familiar territory, the first thing i do is assess. i think it's gotten out of control, and i think that too many times, i can't see the persons for the people. because what they look like got in the way, or their clothes...or the things they do...or the things they say. i don't know if this makes sense to anyone, but just putting what i've been thinking about out there.
so, the main reason for this post was to explain that i needed to change the name of my tumblr, and this is what i came up with...because it needed to be different from what's in here. i should tell you i'm disaster. it's a reminder to myself of the story i told, and hopefully some of the stuff there speaks to you. at least...i hope you find a bit of a story there.
this is kind of a test post...it seems like blogger hasn't been showing that i'm posting? well...i'm still here, haha.
last weekend, i went to a support group for my addiction studies class (this quarter i'm taking intro to drug and alcohol addiction - it's kind of fun to walk into class and start talking about heroin and crack).
i walked up madison to an open, gay narcotics anonymous meeting and i wasn't expecting much. i was listening to rent, mentally singing along to "i should tell you". i followed a man through the door, mentally singing along: “i should tell you i'm disaster”. we walked up the stairs to the third floor, and into a meeting of nothing I expected. there were a handful of men chatting, milling around, grabbing coffee, some sitting and lost in their thoughts. i meekly approached a man sitting behind a table, verified that the meeting was open, and that i was in the right place. i was fleetingly relieved of my anxiety, as i had tried another meeting earlier in the week to no success. that is, until my dreaded inevitable awkwardness that i was actually now in a room full of strangers that i knew to be addicts reared its ugly head. i shook it off nonetheless – these men kindly acknowledged me, but did not ask anything of me or why i was there. i felt neither accepted nor rejected, so i settled in and prepared to be the silent observer, a sort of elephant in the room.
the topic of the NA meeting was "principles before personalities". in NA there are 12 steps just like in AA, and there are also 12 traditions. the twelfth tradition states that "anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities". the meeting focused on judgment of other people, how universal it is, and yet, how it causes damage to both ourselves and to others. the things that were said there in that room were supposed to help people in their personal recoveries. but the things that were said there just struck me and left me with a lot to think about.
i judge people all the time. it's a reflex...when caught in unfamiliar territory, or even all too familiar territory, the first thing i do is assess. i think it's gotten out of control, and i think that too many times, i can't see the persons for the people. because what they look like got in the way, or their clothes...or the things they do...or the things they say. i don't know if this makes sense to anyone, but just putting what i've been thinking about out there.
so, the main reason for this post was to explain that i needed to change the name of my tumblr, and this is what i came up with...because it needed to be different from what's in here. i should tell you i'm disaster. it's a reminder to myself of the story i told, and hopefully some of the stuff there speaks to you. at least...i hope you find a bit of a story there.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
forever is not so long
i watched this and didn't realize that i was holding my breath. until the very end.
Forever's Not So Long from garrettmurray on Vimeo.
it's time to reevaluate.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
this was kinda fun....
50 posts, woo!!!
i'm counting these results as research for my paper. :P
and most of it is so....true.
Get to know yourself better.
Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education:
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.
Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
i'm counting these results as research for my paper. :P
and most of it is so....true.
Get to know yourself better.
Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education:
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.
Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
noooo!!!! aimi...!!!
we're updating, we're updating! (right???)
so...i've kind of been hiding it...(not on purpose!!! sorry! i just wanted to test drive it for a while!)...but i have a tumblr! check it out, lemme know what you think! it's 4649, same as this blog.
things:
-i want to put dimensional man up! but rachel doesn't want him by the door... :( dunno where to put him!
-i have to write a paper, and answer questions that i don't want to answer at all. you know, like...what is your mission in life? what do you envision? where is your career going? how are you gonna get there? its due on tuesday. ugh.
-paranormal activity was SO SCARY!! haven't had any nightmares yet though!
-halloween is coming up...i think i'm resurrecting the sailor jupiter costume, but with a better wig. ^^
-i think this quarter is gonna be a bad slacker quarter, until i get 75% through it and realize...shit. i'm totally fucked. hahaha.
-right now: sitting in bed, listening to lydia, should start that paper/should be reading for class.
that's it for now...all that's left to say is....we all love you aimi!!!
so...i've kind of been hiding it...(not on purpose!!! sorry! i just wanted to test drive it for a while!)...but i have a tumblr! check it out, lemme know what you think! it's 4649, same as this blog.
things:
-i want to put dimensional man up! but rachel doesn't want him by the door... :( dunno where to put him!
-i have to write a paper, and answer questions that i don't want to answer at all. you know, like...what is your mission in life? what do you envision? where is your career going? how are you gonna get there? its due on tuesday. ugh.
-paranormal activity was SO SCARY!! haven't had any nightmares yet though!
-halloween is coming up...i think i'm resurrecting the sailor jupiter costume, but with a better wig. ^^
-i think this quarter is gonna be a bad slacker quarter, until i get 75% through it and realize...shit. i'm totally fucked. hahaha.
-right now: sitting in bed, listening to lydia, should start that paper/should be reading for class.
that's it for now...all that's left to say is....we all love you aimi!!!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
schooooollll....
starts in less than 7 hours. not ready...not ready!
i should be sleeping. but i'm up, making a to do list. and just thinking about school and everything else. i need to kick myself back into gear...into work mode, study mode, productive mode, efficient mode. why is it so damn hard??
i'm so tired...i keep waking up around 9 in the morning...no matter what time i go to bed. well...yesterday was the last day to wake up leisurely on my own, so i guess i shouldn't be complaining. at least i had a nice, glorious last day of summer. :)
back to the grind.
i should be sleeping. but i'm up, making a to do list. and just thinking about school and everything else. i need to kick myself back into gear...into work mode, study mode, productive mode, efficient mode. why is it so damn hard??
i'm so tired...i keep waking up around 9 in the morning...no matter what time i go to bed. well...yesterday was the last day to wake up leisurely on my own, so i guess i shouldn't be complaining. at least i had a nice, glorious last day of summer. :)
back to the grind.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
my life according to death cab
succumbed to another chain survey...enjoy!
Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to people you like and include me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)"
Pick Your Artist:
death cab for cutie
Are you Male or Female?
for what reason
Describe yourself:
soul meets body
How do you feel:
flustered/hey tomcat!
Describe where you currently live:
your new twin sized bed
If you could go anywhere where would you go:
bixby canyon bridge
Your favorite form of transportation is:
two cars
Your best friend is:
brothers on a hotel bed
You and your best friends are:
we looked like giants
What's the Weather Like?
summer skin
What is your favorite time?
hindsight
If your life was a TV show what would it be called?
prove my hypothesis
What is Life to you?
champagne in a paper cup
Your last relationship:
different names for the same thing
Your fear:
your heart is an empty room
What is the best advice you have to give?
someday you will be loved
Thought for the day:
transatlanticism
How would I like to die?
I will follow you into the dark
My Soul's present condition:
the ice is getting thinner
My motto:
lightness
Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to people you like and include me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)"
Pick Your Artist:
death cab for cutie
Are you Male or Female?
for what reason
Describe yourself:
soul meets body
How do you feel:
flustered/hey tomcat!
Describe where you currently live:
your new twin sized bed
If you could go anywhere where would you go:
bixby canyon bridge
Your favorite form of transportation is:
two cars
Your best friend is:
brothers on a hotel bed
You and your best friends are:
we looked like giants
What's the Weather Like?
summer skin
What is your favorite time?
hindsight
If your life was a TV show what would it be called?
prove my hypothesis
What is Life to you?
champagne in a paper cup
Your last relationship:
different names for the same thing
Your fear:
your heart is an empty room
What is the best advice you have to give?
someday you will be loved
Thought for the day:
transatlanticism
How would I like to die?
I will follow you into the dark
My Soul's present condition:
the ice is getting thinner
My motto:
lightness
Monday, August 17, 2009
technology bites
so my computer got a virus a few days ago. and around the same time, i lost my cell phone. for the gazillionth time. i really can't understand why i keep losing my phone. i don't lose anything else. just my phone. this time, my new phone lasted what, 3 months?
i got another sim card, another phone to use in the meantime. i figured out how to work my external hard drive without the cd, and was about to wipe my computer totally clean again, like last summer. and then...the virus suddenly just disappeared! i had tried two virus scans, autorun, safe mode, everything. and when i finally resigned myself to wipe and format, my computer just went back to normal! i am so baffled and suspicious at the moment...i'm just running another virus scan now to see what's going on.
in other news...my crazy aunt and mr. lim (her husband) from vancouver came down to LA to visit us for a week. she left early this morning, and everyone could not wait to see her go back to canada from whence she came. she was driving us all insane! we went to seaworld, and to disneyland, and all around LA. and the week was filled with utter ridiculousness, maddeningly slow walking, a lot of wrist grabbing, hand holding, elbow gripping. frequent bathroom trips. complaining. selective hearing. fighting. public fighting. shrill voices. and eating. of course. lots of eating. i don't believe there is anyone in the world more annoying, more clingy, more embarrassing, more infuriating than my aunt. just goes to show that money can only get you so far.
i got another sim card, another phone to use in the meantime. i figured out how to work my external hard drive without the cd, and was about to wipe my computer totally clean again, like last summer. and then...the virus suddenly just disappeared! i had tried two virus scans, autorun, safe mode, everything. and when i finally resigned myself to wipe and format, my computer just went back to normal! i am so baffled and suspicious at the moment...i'm just running another virus scan now to see what's going on.
in other news...my crazy aunt and mr. lim (her husband) from vancouver came down to LA to visit us for a week. she left early this morning, and everyone could not wait to see her go back to canada from whence she came. she was driving us all insane! we went to seaworld, and to disneyland, and all around LA. and the week was filled with utter ridiculousness, maddeningly slow walking, a lot of wrist grabbing, hand holding, elbow gripping. frequent bathroom trips. complaining. selective hearing. fighting. public fighting. shrill voices. and eating. of course. lots of eating. i don't believe there is anyone in the world more annoying, more clingy, more embarrassing, more infuriating than my aunt. just goes to show that money can only get you so far.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
project koi
this super cool koi is made from a single dollar bill...and i am going to try to make it. here are the instructions if you want to try too!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
the future freaks me out
my thoughts are undergoing hostile takeover by "the future". i keep pushing it away, to the back burner, but people (and by people, i mostly mean the parental units) keep bringing it up. I AM SO SICK OF TALKING ABOUT "THE FUTURE"!!!! because that's all it is...talk. i have no plans yet. what good will it do to keep asking about my "plans" every single day??? nothing has changed, goddammit!!! i'm just worried about getting through my last year of nursing school!!! sighh...sorry. ranting. mostly, my dad keeps bringing it up and it's driving me crazy!!!!
i miss being in seattle.... :(
i miss being in seattle.... :(
Saturday, June 20, 2009
accelerated reading
we used to have this thing in elementary school, called accelerated reading. after you read a book, you could take a quick little test on it, but nothing that required critical thinking, of course. you had to do a certain number a year...i always exceeded mine because i liked reading books instead of paying attention in class.
it's barely one week into summer and i have read:
-speak (thanks emie! it was very good, but sad...)
-the little prince
-the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy
-reread pride and prejudice
on the book list:
-the mysterious benedict society
-emma
-collected edgar allan poe stories
-many others i can't think of...but i also don't want to get too ambitious and ahead of myself. :O
any suggestions??
it's barely one week into summer and i have read:
-speak (thanks emie! it was very good, but sad...)
-the little prince
-the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy
-reread pride and prejudice
on the book list:
-the mysterious benedict society
-emma
-collected edgar allan poe stories
-many others i can't think of...but i also don't want to get too ambitious and ahead of myself. :O
any suggestions??
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
picnic provisions!
i can't stop thinking about picnic food, to the point where my mouth is watering just at the thought.
picnic potluck...uhh....pizza. no...oooh, potato salad. i make killer potato salad. then i googled picnic food. and i ran across this. and now i am so befuddled.
cold noodles? delicious wraps? pasta salad? quesadillas? crusty bread and dip? or stick to pizza? or stick to potato salad? UGHHH....so many choices...! what do you all think?
i think i need to make a costco run.
picnic potluck...uhh....pizza. no...oooh, potato salad. i make killer potato salad. then i googled picnic food. and i ran across this. and now i am so befuddled.
cold noodles? delicious wraps? pasta salad? quesadillas? crusty bread and dip? or stick to pizza? or stick to potato salad? UGHHH....so many choices...! what do you all think?
i think i need to make a costco run.
Friday, May 15, 2009
chocolate pudding
so i tried to apply for this scholarship, and i finished the essay i was writing for it, but then i went to turn it in and found out the deadline had passed by a couple of hours. FML.
might as well put the essay to good use. we'll call it a short story. ^^
There is a saying that talks of moments that change us so profoundly that life afterwards will forever be known as before this moment, and after this moment. I had promised a game of rummy with him after dinner. Of course, as nursing goes, we get swept aside with tasks suddenly pressing; it is too easy to become consumed by what needs to get done. The promise flew back to me a few hours later, and as my feet rushed, my hand clenched around a deck of cards in shame. The room was dim, the curtains drawn, and sleep was looming and reproachful. I tread toward his bed, and touched his arm. Graciously, he smiled as my feeble apologies tumbled forth. And when I asked what I could do to make it up to him, he politely requested chocolate pudding, if I could find it. “Two spoons!” he called, as I practically ran out to fetch it, eager to alleviate the embarrassment I felt over the missed game of cards. There was no chocolate pudding anywhere. Suddenly, I remembered the fortuitous chocolate pudding I had brought and was saving for my break. I strode victoriously back to his room, and whispered to him our luck that I had found the last one. He smiled again, insisted that the second spoon was mine, and we shared the pudding over talk of swine flu. When the last of the pudding was gone, he sighed, "That really hit the spot." He turned toward me and smiled widely, his eyes glittering in the soft orange light. As he thanked me, he said, "You really made my night." I couldn't help the answering smile breaking on my face, as I whispered back that he made my night as well. There was before this moment, the textbooks, the tests, the tiredness, and the theories of nursing school. And there is after this moment, the connection, the communication, and the kindness: all conscious, faint, and feathery, but present and alive.
might as well put the essay to good use. we'll call it a short story. ^^
There is a saying that talks of moments that change us so profoundly that life afterwards will forever be known as before this moment, and after this moment. I had promised a game of rummy with him after dinner. Of course, as nursing goes, we get swept aside with tasks suddenly pressing; it is too easy to become consumed by what needs to get done. The promise flew back to me a few hours later, and as my feet rushed, my hand clenched around a deck of cards in shame. The room was dim, the curtains drawn, and sleep was looming and reproachful. I tread toward his bed, and touched his arm. Graciously, he smiled as my feeble apologies tumbled forth. And when I asked what I could do to make it up to him, he politely requested chocolate pudding, if I could find it. “Two spoons!” he called, as I practically ran out to fetch it, eager to alleviate the embarrassment I felt over the missed game of cards. There was no chocolate pudding anywhere. Suddenly, I remembered the fortuitous chocolate pudding I had brought and was saving for my break. I strode victoriously back to his room, and whispered to him our luck that I had found the last one. He smiled again, insisted that the second spoon was mine, and we shared the pudding over talk of swine flu. When the last of the pudding was gone, he sighed, "That really hit the spot." He turned toward me and smiled widely, his eyes glittering in the soft orange light. As he thanked me, he said, "You really made my night." I couldn't help the answering smile breaking on my face, as I whispered back that he made my night as well. There was before this moment, the textbooks, the tests, the tiredness, and the theories of nursing school. And there is after this moment, the connection, the communication, and the kindness: all conscious, faint, and feathery, but present and alive.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
flight attendant rap
there is an airline company i don't particularly like, and it flies south and it flies west....but this flight attendant has me sold!
Friday, April 17, 2009
a picture is worth a thousand words
click on the pics to see them! (they got cut off a bit)
a picture of you dressed up
a picture of you dressed up
a picture of you that is old, but is one of your favorites
a picture of you and who you live with
a picture of you during the summer
a picture of you with a parent or two
a picture of you in your room
a picture of you very drunk
a picture of you on your birthday
a picture on your favorite holiday
the oldest picture you have of yourself in digital form
a picture of you in one of your favorite outfits
a picture of you making a funny face
a picture of you showing off your new haircut
a picture of you being your true self
a picture of a time in your life that you wish wasn't over
a picture of a time in your life that you're happy is over
a picture of you being ridiculous
a picture of you with your oldest friend(s)
a picture of you with your newest friend(s)
a picture you didn't know was being taken
a picture when you were anything but happy, even if you were smiling and doing your best to hide it.
a picture of yourself that you like
a picture of you with someone you love
a picture of you with a sibling
a picture of you with something you love
a picture of you living your life how you would like to live everyday of your life
a picture of when your life was changing
a picture of you and one of your talents
a picture that makes your heart smile
a picture that makes your heart hurt
a picture of you and who you live with
a picture of you during the summer
a picture of you with a parent or two
a picture of you in your room
a picture of you very drunk
a picture of you on your birthday
a picture on your favorite holiday
the oldest picture you have of yourself in digital form
a picture of you in one of your favorite outfits
a picture of you making a funny face
a picture of you showing off your new haircut
a picture of you being your true self
a picture of a time in your life that you wish wasn't over
a picture of a time in your life that you're happy is over
a picture of you being ridiculous
a picture of you with your oldest friend(s)
a picture of you with your newest friend(s)
a picture you didn't know was being taken
a picture when you were anything but happy, even if you were smiling and doing your best to hide it.
a picture of yourself that you like
a picture of you with someone you love
a picture of you with a sibling
a picture of you with something you love
a picture of you living your life how you would like to live everyday of your life
a picture of when your life was changing
a picture of you and one of your talents
a picture that makes your heart smile
a picture that makes your heart hurt
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
lost...
when will i ever stop losing my phone? probably never. it's the nature of the beast between me and my cell phone. i have lost it all over seattle...found it, lost it, found it.
i hate the feeling you have when you've lost something. i end up dreaming about finding it, and then waking up to the reality. it's not the most important thing in the world...but i am feeling so lost and disconnected without it.
i have lost some sense of time, but most of all...i feel like i've lost one of the only things that makes me feel connected to others. i can't call for help, and i can't answer when people try to reach me quickly. it's so inconvenient, so maddening how something that wasn't necessary at first becomes so ingrained into daily routine that being without makes me practically helpless and unresourceful. so now i cling to the internet, with the hopes of life returning to normal sometime soon.
i hate the feeling you have when you've lost something. i end up dreaming about finding it, and then waking up to the reality. it's not the most important thing in the world...but i am feeling so lost and disconnected without it.
i have lost some sense of time, but most of all...i feel like i've lost one of the only things that makes me feel connected to others. i can't call for help, and i can't answer when people try to reach me quickly. it's so inconvenient, so maddening how something that wasn't necessary at first becomes so ingrained into daily routine that being without makes me practically helpless and unresourceful. so now i cling to the internet, with the hopes of life returning to normal sometime soon.
Friday, March 20, 2009
words to live by
today is the last day of one of our coworkers up at the lab, mandy. these are her words.
"I'm not into judging people because I have absolutely no place to do so. For this present moment, we breathe the same air, bask under the same sun, look up at the same stars and possess all of the same basic needs. If you meet me, I hope you come away knowing that I like you for who you are, whoever you are. I completely refuse stuffing you into a box and slapping a label on you. Rather, I want to know what it is that brings you to tears, happens to make you fall down laughing, gets you out of bed in the morning, makes your heart beat faster, and causes you to feel alive. are you thriving or surviving? where have you been? where you are now? where are you going? It doesn't matter to me how many drinks you've (or haven't) had this weekend or what disease(s) you might have or what political stance you hold or what marks of economic status you might possess or how much you know. Those things all have their place on earth, but, they're only temporary and secondary in comparison to who you are as a person. What's more important is what is stirring in your soul - what were you made for? There is more to you than you may ever realize. what is it you're really longing for? Perhaps the answer isn't far."
"I'm not into judging people because I have absolutely no place to do so. For this present moment, we breathe the same air, bask under the same sun, look up at the same stars and possess all of the same basic needs. If you meet me, I hope you come away knowing that I like you for who you are, whoever you are. I completely refuse stuffing you into a box and slapping a label on you. Rather, I want to know what it is that brings you to tears, happens to make you fall down laughing, gets you out of bed in the morning, makes your heart beat faster, and causes you to feel alive. are you thriving or surviving? where have you been? where you are now? where are you going? It doesn't matter to me how many drinks you've (or haven't) had this weekend or what disease(s) you might have or what political stance you hold or what marks of economic status you might possess or how much you know. Those things all have their place on earth, but, they're only temporary and secondary in comparison to who you are as a person. What's more important is what is stirring in your soul - what were you made for? There is more to you than you may ever realize. what is it you're really longing for? Perhaps the answer isn't far."
Thursday, March 19, 2009
somehow i don't feel any different.
i am done with finals. usually, that statement ends with an exclamation point! and usually, i feel instantaneous and glorious release...the sky is enormous and the very air holds endless possibilities now that the pressure of cramming information into my poor brain has been relieved.
maybe it's because the finals week i just experienced had the lowest stress level of any finals week i've ever had. maybe it's because many of the weeks in the quarter weren't particularly stressful, especially the week before finals week. maybe i've reached some sort of plateau, and every quarter hereafter will be stressful once again.
but for now...i have the strangest feeling of calm and composure, and i am operating as if finals never happened. and i'm not sure if i want the exhilaration feeling, or this unruffled placidity practically bordering on vapid. which is more ideal?
maybe it's because the finals week i just experienced had the lowest stress level of any finals week i've ever had. maybe it's because many of the weeks in the quarter weren't particularly stressful, especially the week before finals week. maybe i've reached some sort of plateau, and every quarter hereafter will be stressful once again.
but for now...i have the strangest feeling of calm and composure, and i am operating as if finals never happened. and i'm not sure if i want the exhilaration feeling, or this unruffled placidity practically bordering on vapid. which is more ideal?
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
RANT.
i just typed out this huge long thing, you know, just self reflecting and junk. and i wanted to change my clothes and pee, so i left my laptop for all of what, 5 fucking minutes, and the goddamn thing restarts!!!!!!!! i didn't lose any homework or large papers or anything...but i lost that thing i was typing in a notepad window, and i lost my to do list. i remember the to do list, so i guess i really shouldn't be complaining, but jesuss!!!! all that work. gone.
and i really don't know why i'm so irritated about it, since it was nothing really drastic or important...but the time it took to figure out how to make my jumbly thoughts make sense and put them into words so that they aren't so jumbly anymore and they're not buzzing around my head was precious time...time i can't get back. taking my thoughts and pinning them down with words and writing really helps me get them out of my head so i can focus, so that i can make sense of them. you know...making your thoughts tangible, and the relief of transplanting them, parking them somewhere else for a while. it's my "coping skill", as we say in nursing. and now, it's like all my thoughts evaporated, and i can't get them back! i can't recreate them in they way that i worded my thoughts to get them out of my head in the first place. and now, i'm just so frustrated, trying to remember my stupid jumbled ideas, and frustrated that they are gone/no longer electronically tangible, and frustrated that this release of taking them out of my head and onto a stupid, unsaved notepad document has become a large, large, hot, marshmallow sitting in my brain and on my heart and not budging, and making me even more irritated when all i was trying to do was make sense of things in the first place!!!
and i really don't know why i'm so irritated about it, since it was nothing really drastic or important...but the time it took to figure out how to make my jumbly thoughts make sense and put them into words so that they aren't so jumbly anymore and they're not buzzing around my head was precious time...time i can't get back. taking my thoughts and pinning them down with words and writing really helps me get them out of my head so i can focus, so that i can make sense of them. you know...making your thoughts tangible, and the relief of transplanting them, parking them somewhere else for a while. it's my "coping skill", as we say in nursing. and now, it's like all my thoughts evaporated, and i can't get them back! i can't recreate them in they way that i worded my thoughts to get them out of my head in the first place. and now, i'm just so frustrated, trying to remember my stupid jumbled ideas, and frustrated that they are gone/no longer electronically tangible, and frustrated that this release of taking them out of my head and onto a stupid, unsaved notepad document has become a large, large, hot, marshmallow sitting in my brain and on my heart and not budging, and making me even more irritated when all i was trying to do was make sense of things in the first place!!!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
lent 2009 resolution making
happy fat tuesday! :)
yes, i don't have a lenten resolution yet. yes, i know ash wednesday is tomorrow.
here are 3 ideas i have so far. thoughts?
help me stop procrastinating!
yes, i don't have a lenten resolution yet. yes, i know ash wednesday is tomorrow.
here are 3 ideas i have so far. thoughts?
- Spend at least 30 minutes in Eucharistic adoration at least one time during the week.
- Pray the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary often during Lent, especially on Friday and Wednesday. The glorious mysteries are especially appropriate on Sundays. Joyful and Luminous mysteries are great on other days.
- Pray for your enemies. In fact, think of the person who has most hurt you or who most annoys you and spend several minutes each day thanking God for that person and asking God to bless him or her.
help me stop procrastinating!
Friday, February 20, 2009
replies to questions and colors
questions:
1.) Who do you think has had a bigger influence on you between the ages of 10 and 14?
the colorgenics test:
wow. i've taken similar tests before...but i don't think i've ever felt like a personality test ever pinpointed my thoughts so accurately. too accurately, in fact, to the point where i'm not even sure that i could have expressed them a fraction as well as this color test just did. my mind is basically stuttering and struggling for words at the moment. i feel like the colorgenics test results shot a spork into my heart. i guess i admit some of it is a little off. but for the most part...it's so true it's frightening.
Name: Bessie
Date: 2/20/2009
Colorgenics Number: 27160354
You are trying to prove to others that nothing can really affect you. You are pretending to be stoical - indifferent to pain or pleasure and indeed even superior to any form of weakness. As a result, more often than not, you unfortunately act with undue harshness or severity by adopting an autocratic and self-willed attitude.
You are lazy - you dream of a peaceful, calm, uncluttered and uncomplicated life. Your ideal would be to share a permanent base with some person or persons who would be able to demonstrate on-going love, peace and security.
You feel tired - worn out and listless. The last thing that you want to do is to be in an open conflict with those around you that are forever tormenting you. What to do? That's the rub. You are feeling that you are being choked - unable to breathe.
For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.
You are presently worried about your future and you feel that whatever you do will go wrong. At this time you are your own worst enemy. All the disappointment that you have experienced, coupled with the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals, have led to anxiety. You would like recognition and a position of trust but you are concerned that these hopes and dreams may not be realised. You are very argumentative and insistent that you are right - maybe you are - but you are pushing too hard. Take it easy, let go, and smile. Smiling and agreeing with people works wonders - try it and see.
1.) Who do you think has had a bigger influence on you between the ages of 10 and 14?
- i think my senseis from jujitsu did, actually. i was really serious about jujitsu at this point, and this was where i began to change from a painfully shy, quiet, awkward bookworm into someone more outgoing, assertive, self-sufficient, and more confident. i like to think now that instead of leading a double life the way i used to, now i am able to meld the two opposite personalities together into who i am, thanks to them.
- probably half and half. it really depends on my "frame of mind" when it comes to decision time, and what stakes the choice involves. and i believe i look for both, not either/or. what will give me the biggest bang for my buck kind of thing, while putting in the least risk? i think lately though, i've been getting more ambitious and going for the bigger reward.
- oh these deserted island questions....ummm...previous answers have included my journal, a bottle of tequila, and toilet paper. i think i'm going to err on the practical side and ask for a machete. or a lighter.
- how do we cure cancer?
- hahaha...um. take care of my mom in postpartum? make sure i got all my shots. test my babinsky reflex. XD
- i'm honest with one person. i feel like that person practically has the power to destroy me. and i hope that a couple people truly know me, good and bad. thankfully, they haven't killed me yet. :)
the colorgenics test:
wow. i've taken similar tests before...but i don't think i've ever felt like a personality test ever pinpointed my thoughts so accurately. too accurately, in fact, to the point where i'm not even sure that i could have expressed them a fraction as well as this color test just did. my mind is basically stuttering and struggling for words at the moment. i feel like the colorgenics test results shot a spork into my heart. i guess i admit some of it is a little off. but for the most part...it's so true it's frightening.
Name: Bessie
Date: 2/20/2009
Colorgenics Number: 27160354
You are trying to prove to others that nothing can really affect you. You are pretending to be stoical - indifferent to pain or pleasure and indeed even superior to any form of weakness. As a result, more often than not, you unfortunately act with undue harshness or severity by adopting an autocratic and self-willed attitude.
You are lazy - you dream of a peaceful, calm, uncluttered and uncomplicated life. Your ideal would be to share a permanent base with some person or persons who would be able to demonstrate on-going love, peace and security.
You feel tired - worn out and listless. The last thing that you want to do is to be in an open conflict with those around you that are forever tormenting you. What to do? That's the rub. You are feeling that you are being choked - unable to breathe.
For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.
You are presently worried about your future and you feel that whatever you do will go wrong. At this time you are your own worst enemy. All the disappointment that you have experienced, coupled with the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals, have led to anxiety. You would like recognition and a position of trust but you are concerned that these hopes and dreams may not be realised. You are very argumentative and insistent that you are right - maybe you are - but you are pushing too hard. Take it easy, let go, and smile. Smiling and agreeing with people works wonders - try it and see.
Friday, January 23, 2009
model call
so...i did something strange and completely uncharacteristic....
i signed up to be a model in the spring fashion show put on by the fashion club.
i know, i know. it's a little ridiculous. i went to my first meeting yesterday, in admin. i wasn't sure if i would be able to figure out which room it was in, but then i heard beyonce blasting and all i had to do was figure out where the music was coming from. the victoria secret fashion show was playing on the classroom projector. the room full of people chattering and i saw daryious first, and instantly regretted not wearing something more fierce. apparently, we were supposed to be wearing heels too...whoops.
the meeting consisted of a quick overview, measurements, runway turn coaching, and a quick photoshoot. i think am in for a lot more than i thought. i imagined this would be something along the lines of throwing clothes on and pretending like i know what i am doing as a strut haphazardly down the runway. no, no. we are going to be groomed into professional models. we have to do go-sees. meet designers. consultations with makeup and hair. take coaching on the runway walk and posing. do photoshoots. take lots and lots of pictures. to put in portfolios. thankfully, during the shoot i sort of came out of my shell on accident, and ended up with andrew hoge gushing over my photos. i am some sort of modeling protege now....? hahaha. we'll see how long that lasts.
it felt like i walked into a different world. a world where andrew hoge is tyra banks and we are all competing to be america's next top model. the situation is a tad high pressure, but refreshing at the same time...everyone is perfectly frank from the very beginning that they are there to be fierce, bitchy, and fabulous. and the funny thing is, knowing that i did a good job gave me a strange and terrific high of excitement. i'm nervous, and it will be a lot of work. but i think it'll be really fun! and so. i'm in. do you want to be on top?
Thursday, January 1, 2009
new post, new year!
new years resolution:
exploration #51
document a year.
-addictions
-adventures
-aversions
-animals
-books
-body
-blunders
-breakfast
-childhood
-clothing
-climate
-coincidences
-decisions
-dislikes
-disasters
-dreams
-dysfunctions
-eccentricities
-exercise
-face
-fall
-family
-favorites
-fears
-food
-friends
-frustrations
-furniture
-gifts
-gratitude
-hobbies
-house
-humor
-idiosyncrasies
-illness
-insecurities
-lessons
-loves
-lunch
-memories
-mistakes
-misunderstandings
-moods
-nature
-neurosis
-neighborhood
-observations
-passions
-pet peeves
-preferences
-questions
-quotidian (everyday)
-random thoughts
-regrets
-relationships
-school
-social life
-spirituality
-successes
-synchonicity
-toys
-vacations
-walks
-work
this will be the hardest resolution i've ever made....but i am determine to follow through...even if i procrastinate....i'm gonna do it. i'm really excited! :D
happy new year everybody!
exploration #51
document a year.
-addictions
-adventures
-aversions
-animals
-books
-body
-blunders
-breakfast
-childhood
-clothing
-climate
-coincidences
-decisions
-dislikes
-disasters
-dreams
-dysfunctions
-eccentricities
-exercise
-face
-fall
-family
-favorites
-fears
-food
-friends
-frustrations
-furniture
-gifts
-gratitude
-hobbies
-house
-humor
-idiosyncrasies
-illness
-insecurities
-lessons
-loves
-lunch
-memories
-mistakes
-misunderstandings
-moods
-nature
-neurosis
-neighborhood
-observations
-passions
-pet peeves
-preferences
-questions
-quotidian (everyday)
-random thoughts
-regrets
-relationships
-school
-social life
-spirituality
-successes
-synchonicity
-toys
-vacations
-walks
-work
this will be the hardest resolution i've ever made....but i am determine to follow through...even if i procrastinate....i'm gonna do it. i'm really excited! :D
happy new year everybody!
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