RANT.

i just typed out this huge long thing, you know, just self reflecting and junk. and i wanted to change my clothes and pee, so i left my laptop for all of what, 5 fucking minutes, and the goddamn thing restarts!!!!!!!! i didn't lose any homework or large papers or anything...but i lost that thing i was typing in a notepad window, and i lost my to do list. i remember the to do list, so i guess i really shouldn't be complaining, but jesuss!!!! all that work. gone.

and i really don't know why i'm so irritated about it, since it was nothing really drastic or important...but the time it took to figure out how to make my jumbly thoughts make sense and put them into words so that they aren't so jumbly anymore and they're not buzzing around my head was precious time...time i can't get back. taking my thoughts and pinning them down with words and writing really helps me get them out of my head so i can focus, so that i can make sense of them. you know...making your thoughts tangible, and the relief of transplanting them, parking them somewhere else for a while. it's my "coping skill", as we say in nursing. and now, it's like all my thoughts evaporated, and i can't get them back! i can't recreate them in they way that i worded my thoughts to get them out of my head in the first place. and now, i'm just so frustrated, trying to remember my stupid jumbled ideas, and frustrated that they are gone/no longer electronically tangible, and frustrated that this release of taking them out of my head and onto a stupid, unsaved notepad document has become a large, large, hot, marshmallow sitting in my brain and on my heart and not budging, and making me even more irritated when all i was trying to do was make sense of things in the first place!!!