words to live by

today is the last day of one of our coworkers up at the lab, mandy. these are her words.

"I'm not into judging people because I have absolutely no place to do so. For this present moment, we breathe the same air, bask under the same sun, look up at the same stars and possess all of the same basic needs. If you meet me, I hope you come away knowing that I like you for who you are, whoever you are. I completely refuse stuffing you into a box and slapping a label on you. Rather, I want to know what it is that brings you to tears, happens to make you fall down laughing, gets you out of bed in the morning, makes your heart beat faster, and causes you to feel alive. are you thriving or surviving? where have you been? where you are now? where are you going? It doesn't matter to me how many drinks you've (or haven't) had this weekend or what disease(s) you might have or what political stance you hold or what marks of economic status you might possess or how much you know. Those things all have their place on earth, but, they're only temporary and secondary in comparison to who you are as a person. What's more important is what is stirring in your soul - what were you made for? There is more to you than you may ever realize. what is it you're really longing for? Perhaps the answer isn't far."

somehow i don't feel any different.

i am done with finals. usually, that statement ends with an exclamation point! and usually, i feel instantaneous and glorious release...the sky is enormous and the very air holds endless possibilities now that the pressure of cramming information into my poor brain has been relieved.

maybe it's because the finals week i just experienced had the lowest stress level of any finals week i've ever had. maybe it's because many of the weeks in the quarter weren't particularly stressful, especially the week before finals week. maybe i've reached some sort of plateau, and every quarter hereafter will be stressful once again.

but for now...i have the strangest feeling of calm and composure, and i am operating as if finals never happened. and i'm not sure if i want the exhilaration feeling, or this unruffled placidity practically bordering on vapid. which is more ideal?

her morning elegance on jimmy kimmel

i think i just fell in love a little bit.

RANT.

i just typed out this huge long thing, you know, just self reflecting and junk. and i wanted to change my clothes and pee, so i left my laptop for all of what, 5 fucking minutes, and the goddamn thing restarts!!!!!!!! i didn't lose any homework or large papers or anything...but i lost that thing i was typing in a notepad window, and i lost my to do list. i remember the to do list, so i guess i really shouldn't be complaining, but jesuss!!!! all that work. gone.

and i really don't know why i'm so irritated about it, since it was nothing really drastic or important...but the time it took to figure out how to make my jumbly thoughts make sense and put them into words so that they aren't so jumbly anymore and they're not buzzing around my head was precious time...time i can't get back. taking my thoughts and pinning them down with words and writing really helps me get them out of my head so i can focus, so that i can make sense of them. you know...making your thoughts tangible, and the relief of transplanting them, parking them somewhere else for a while. it's my "coping skill", as we say in nursing. and now, it's like all my thoughts evaporated, and i can't get them back! i can't recreate them in they way that i worded my thoughts to get them out of my head in the first place. and now, i'm just so frustrated, trying to remember my stupid jumbled ideas, and frustrated that they are gone/no longer electronically tangible, and frustrated that this release of taking them out of my head and onto a stupid, unsaved notepad document has become a large, large, hot, marshmallow sitting in my brain and on my heart and not budging, and making me even more irritated when all i was trying to do was make sense of things in the first place!!!

toothpaste for dinner

reaffirming some toothpaste for dinner love.

lent 2009 resolution making

happy fat tuesday! :)

yes, i don't have a lenten resolution yet. yes, i know ash wednesday is tomorrow.

here are 3 ideas i have so far. thoughts?

1. Spend at least 30 minutes in Eucharistic adoration at least one time during the week.
2. Pray the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary often during Lent, especially on Friday and Wednesday. The glorious mysteries are especially appropriate on Sundays. Joyful and Luminous mysteries are great on other days.
3. Pray for your enemies. In fact, think of the person who has most hurt you or who most annoys you and spend several minutes each day thanking God for that person and asking God to bless him or her.

i think the 3rd will be the hardest of them all. but that's the one i'm leaning towards. :/
help me stop procrastinating!

replies to questions and colors

questions:
1.) Who do you think has had a bigger influence on you between the ages of 10 and 14?

• i think my senseis from jujitsu did, actually. i was really serious about jujitsu at this point, and this was where i began to change from a painfully shy, quiet, awkward bookworm into someone more outgoing, assertive, self-sufficient, and more confident. i like to think now that instead of leading a double life the way i used to, now i am able to meld the two opposite personalities together into who i am, thanks to them.

2.) When confronted with a choice, do you go for the one with the biggest reward, or the one with the lower risk?

• probably half and half. it really depends on my "frame of mind" when it comes to decision time, and what stakes the choice involves. and i believe i look for both, not either/or. what will give me the biggest bang for my buck kind of thing, while putting in the least risk? i think lately though, i've been getting more ambitious and going for the bigger reward.

3.) If you could take one item onto a deserted island that you'd have to live on for the rest of your life, what would it be (and no "a boat" or beacon answers)?

• oh these deserted island questions....ummm...previous answers have included my journal, a bottle of tequila, and toilet paper. i think i'm going to err on the practical side and ask for a machete. or a lighter.

4.) What question do you most want answered?

• how do we cure cancer?
  

5.) What would you do if you were sent back in time to the day you were born?

• hahaha...um. take care of my mom in postpartum? make sure i got all my shots. test my babinsky reflex. XD
  

6.) Do you feel like you are completely honest with people and that there is someone on this earth that truly knows you, good and bad?

• i'm honest with one person. i feel like that person practically has the power to destroy me. and i hope that a couple people truly know me, good and bad. thankfully, they haven't killed me yet. :)

anthony, are you going to answer your own questions? hmm?

the colorgenics test:
wow. i've taken similar tests before...but i don't think i've ever felt like a personality test ever pinpointed my thoughts so accurately. too accurately, in fact, to the point where i'm not even sure that i could have expressed them a fraction as well as this color test just did. my mind is basically stuttering and struggling for words at the moment. i feel like the colorgenics test results shot a spork into my heart. i guess i admit some of it is a little off. but for the most part...it's so true it's frightening.

Name: Bessie
Date: 2/20/2009
Colorgenics Number: 27160354

You are trying to prove to others that nothing can really affect you. You are pretending to be stoical - indifferent to pain or pleasure and indeed even superior to any form of weakness. As a result, more often than not, you unfortunately act with undue harshness or severity by adopting an autocratic and self-willed attitude.

You are lazy - you dream of a peaceful, calm, uncluttered and uncomplicated life. Your ideal would be to share a permanent base with some person or persons who would be able to demonstrate on-going love, peace and security.

You feel tired - worn out and listless. The last thing that you want to do is to be in an open conflict with those around you that are forever tormenting you. What to do? That's the rub. You are feeling that you are being choked - unable to breathe.

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.

You are presently worried about your future and you feel that whatever you do will go wrong. At this time you are your own worst enemy. All the disappointment that you have experienced, coupled with the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals, have led to anxiety. You would like recognition and a position of trust but you are concerned that these hopes and dreams may not be realised. You are very argumentative and insistent that you are right - maybe you are - but you are pushing too hard. Take it easy, let go, and smile. Smiling and agreeing with people works wonders - try it and see.