her morning elegance on jimmy kimmel

i think i just fell in love a little bit.

RANT.

i just typed out this huge long thing, you know, just self reflecting and junk. and i wanted to change my clothes and pee, so i left my laptop for all of what, 5 fucking minutes, and the goddamn thing restarts!!!!!!!! i didn't lose any homework or large papers or anything...but i lost that thing i was typing in a notepad window, and i lost my to do list. i remember the to do list, so i guess i really shouldn't be complaining, but jesuss!!!! all that work. gone.

and i really don't know why i'm so irritated about it, since it was nothing really drastic or important...but the time it took to figure out how to make my jumbly thoughts make sense and put them into words so that they aren't so jumbly anymore and they're not buzzing around my head was precious time...time i can't get back. taking my thoughts and pinning them down with words and writing really helps me get them out of my head so i can focus, so that i can make sense of them. you know...making your thoughts tangible, and the relief of transplanting them, parking them somewhere else for a while. it's my "coping skill", as we say in nursing. and now, it's like all my thoughts evaporated, and i can't get them back! i can't recreate them in they way that i worded my thoughts to get them out of my head in the first place. and now, i'm just so frustrated, trying to remember my stupid jumbled ideas, and frustrated that they are gone/no longer electronically tangible, and frustrated that this release of taking them out of my head and onto a stupid, unsaved notepad document has become a large, large, hot, marshmallow sitting in my brain and on my heart and not budging, and making me even more irritated when all i was trying to do was make sense of things in the first place!!!

toothpaste for dinner

reaffirming some toothpaste for dinner love.

lent 2009 resolution making

happy fat tuesday! :)

yes, i don't have a lenten resolution yet. yes, i know ash wednesday is tomorrow.

here are 3 ideas i have so far. thoughts?

1. Spend at least 30 minutes in Eucharistic adoration at least one time during the week.
2. Pray the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary often during Lent, especially on Friday and Wednesday. The glorious mysteries are especially appropriate on Sundays. Joyful and Luminous mysteries are great on other days.
3. Pray for your enemies. In fact, think of the person who has most hurt you or who most annoys you and spend several minutes each day thanking God for that person and asking God to bless him or her.

i think the 3rd will be the hardest of them all. but that's the one i'm leaning towards. :/
help me stop procrastinating!

replies to questions and colors

questions:
1.) Who do you think has had a bigger influence on you between the ages of 10 and 14?

• i think my senseis from jujitsu did, actually. i was really serious about jujitsu at this point, and this was where i began to change from a painfully shy, quiet, awkward bookworm into someone more outgoing, assertive, self-sufficient, and more confident. i like to think now that instead of leading a double life the way i used to, now i am able to meld the two opposite personalities together into who i am, thanks to them.

2.) When confronted with a choice, do you go for the one with the biggest reward, or the one with the lower risk?

• probably half and half. it really depends on my "frame of mind" when it comes to decision time, and what stakes the choice involves. and i believe i look for both, not either/or. what will give me the biggest bang for my buck kind of thing, while putting in the least risk? i think lately though, i've been getting more ambitious and going for the bigger reward.

3.) If you could take one item onto a deserted island that you'd have to live on for the rest of your life, what would it be (and no "a boat" or beacon answers)?

• oh these deserted island questions....ummm...previous answers have included my journal, a bottle of tequila, and toilet paper. i think i'm going to err on the practical side and ask for a machete. or a lighter.

4.) What question do you most want answered?

• how do we cure cancer?
  

5.) What would you do if you were sent back in time to the day you were born?

• hahaha...um. take care of my mom in postpartum? make sure i got all my shots. test my babinsky reflex. XD
  

6.) Do you feel like you are completely honest with people and that there is someone on this earth that truly knows you, good and bad?

• i'm honest with one person. i feel like that person practically has the power to destroy me. and i hope that a couple people truly know me, good and bad. thankfully, they haven't killed me yet. :)

anthony, are you going to answer your own questions? hmm?

the colorgenics test:
wow. i've taken similar tests before...but i don't think i've ever felt like a personality test ever pinpointed my thoughts so accurately. too accurately, in fact, to the point where i'm not even sure that i could have expressed them a fraction as well as this color test just did. my mind is basically stuttering and struggling for words at the moment. i feel like the colorgenics test results shot a spork into my heart. i guess i admit some of it is a little off. but for the most part...it's so true it's frightening.

Name: Bessie
Date: 2/20/2009
Colorgenics Number: 27160354

You are trying to prove to others that nothing can really affect you. You are pretending to be stoical - indifferent to pain or pleasure and indeed even superior to any form of weakness. As a result, more often than not, you unfortunately act with undue harshness or severity by adopting an autocratic and self-willed attitude.

You are lazy - you dream of a peaceful, calm, uncluttered and uncomplicated life. Your ideal would be to share a permanent base with some person or persons who would be able to demonstrate on-going love, peace and security.

You feel tired - worn out and listless. The last thing that you want to do is to be in an open conflict with those around you that are forever tormenting you. What to do? That's the rub. You are feeling that you are being choked - unable to breathe.

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.

You are presently worried about your future and you feel that whatever you do will go wrong. At this time you are your own worst enemy. All the disappointment that you have experienced, coupled with the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals, have led to anxiety. You would like recognition and a position of trust but you are concerned that these hopes and dreams may not be realised. You are very argumentative and insistent that you are right - maybe you are - but you are pushing too hard. Take it easy, let go, and smile. Smiling and agreeing with people works wonders - try it and see.

model call

so...i did something strange and completely uncharacteristic....

i signed up to be a model in the spring fashion show put on by the fashion club.

i know, i know. it's a little ridiculous. i went to my first meeting yesterday, in admin. i wasn't sure if i would be able to figure out which room it was in, but then i heard beyonce blasting and all i had to do was figure out where the music was coming from. the victoria secret fashion show was playing on the classroom projector. the room full of people chattering and i saw daryious first, and instantly regretted not wearing something more fierce. apparently, we were supposed to be wearing heels too...whoops.

the meeting consisted of a quick overview, measurements, runway turn coaching, and a quick photoshoot. i think am in for a lot more than i thought. i imagined this would be something along the lines of throwing clothes on and pretending like i know what i am doing as a strut haphazardly down the runway. no, no. we are going to be groomed into professional models. we have to do go-sees. meet designers. consultations with makeup and hair. take coaching on the runway walk and posing. do photoshoots. take lots and lots of pictures. to put in portfolios. thankfully, during the shoot i sort of came out of my shell on accident, and ended up with andrew hoge gushing over my photos. i am some sort of modeling protege now....? hahaha. we'll see how long that lasts.

it felt like i walked into a different world. a world where andrew hoge is tyra banks and we are all competing to be america's next top model. the situation is a tad high pressure, but refreshing at the same time...everyone is perfectly frank from the very beginning that they are there to be fierce, bitchy, and fabulous. and the funny thing is, knowing that i did a good job gave me a strange and terrific high of excitement. i'm nervous, and it will be a lot of work. but i think it'll be really fun! and so. i'm in. do you want to be on top?

new post, new year!

new years resolution:

exploration #51
document a year.

-addictions
-adventures
-aversions
-animals
-books
-body
-blunders
-breakfast
-childhood
-clothing
-climate
-coincidences
-decisions
-dislikes
-disasters
-dreams
-dysfunctions
-eccentricities
-exercise
-face
-fall
-family
-favorites
-fears
-food
-friends
-frustrations
-furniture
-gifts
-gratitude
-hobbies
-house
-humor
-idiosyncrasies
-illness
-insecurities
-lessons
-loves
-lunch
-memories
-mistakes
-misunderstandings
-moods
-nature
-neurosis
-neighborhood
-observations
-passions
-pet peeves
-preferences
-questions
-quotidian (everyday)
-random thoughts
-regrets
-relationships
-school
-social life
-spirituality
-successes
-synchonicity
-toys
-vacations
-walks
-work

this will be the hardest resolution i've ever made....but i am determine to follow through...even if i procrastinate....i'm gonna do it. i'm really excited! :D

happy new year everybody!